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Peter Chianca: And now, a word from your school

Peter Chianca

Dear Parent:

Welcome to another school year! We have high expectations for this academic session, despite what happened last year with the breaded cheesy fish. But just to make sure everyone is “on the same page,” following are some announcements and reminders that we ask you to consider when sending your children to school this fall:

1) There is a new procedure for drop-off this year. Please note that cars are no longer permitted to stop in the loop; instead, it is recommended that you slow down and just give your child a little push out the passenger-side door. Please instruct them to attempt to land on their right side so that they roll onto the sidewalk.

2) The following items are not permitted on school grounds: blunt objects; knives or blades of any kind; nunchuks, throwing stars or other martial arts weaponry; firearms; peanuts.

3) Several parents have complained about the obscene graffiti that vandals painted on the side of the school last week. Unfortunately there is no money in the budget to have it sandblasted off until the next fiscal year begins. However, the local Girl Scouts have volunteered to spray paint over the images so they look sort of like butterflies and daisies.

4) Due to overcrowding, several classes will be housed in temporary trailers this year. Students who do not fit in the trailers will be placed in mobile homes. Students who do not fit in the mobile homes will have classes in a series of strategically parked Volkswagen Jettas. Please assure your children that even though they’re attending class in a vehicle rather than an actual classroom, they’re still valued members of the school community, just a little less valued than the other kids.

5) School should be a nurturing environment. To facilitate this, we have prohibited the following nicknames for fat kids: Tubby; Lardo; Fatty-fatty-fat-fat; Sir Fatsalot; El Porko; Vinny Slobarino. “Chubba the Hutt” is still acceptable in certain contexts.

6) The school will be instituting a sex-ed program in health classes this year. You are not allowed to opt your child out of the class, but we will notify you before the program begins so you can warn them in advance that it’s evil … EEEEEEVILLLLLL!

7) It’s important that all students dress in a manner that’s appropriate for learning. With that in mind, girls should plan to dress like Christina Aguilera from her self-titled debut LP, not from her “Dirrty” period. Students planning to dress like Britney Spears should be advised that she is, like, so over.

8) Several parents have complained that the weight of their children’s books have resulted in their having to carry dangerously heavy knapsacks. This is why we’ve hired personal valets to carry your children’s books from class to class. Ha ha! That’s just a little education humor.

9) With fiscal issues being what they are, the school board most likely will have to seek a tax override this spring to raise money to supplement the budget. We ask that you support this effort, unless of course you want your children to attend school in a stagnant, barren and possibly dangerous educational wasteland. Up to you.

Thank you for your attention to these matters. In closing, we just wanted to assure you that we have every reason to anticipate a happy and healthy school year for your children. But just in case, you may want to tell them to avoid the fish.

CNC Managing Editor Peter Chianca’s column is on hiatus and returns next week. This column first appeared in 2006. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”