"You're welcome for your next column," my friend Bradshaw said with great satisfaction upon sending me a news story about Denny's new Bacon Maple Sundae, which, as of press time, had killed 239 people in test markets in Iowa. Ha! I'm just kidding, Denny's fans and lawyers.
"You're welcome for your next column," my friend Bradshaw said with great satisfaction upon sending me a news story about Denny's new Bacon Maple Sundae, which, as of press time, had killed 239 people in test markets in Iowa. Ha! I'm just kidding, Denny's fans and lawyers: Most of the victims remain safely in Iowa hospitals and/or makeshift baseball fields having their intestines removed, but doctors are optimistic that in the coming years they'll be able to subsist on a reasonably stable diet of gruel and pudding, which is, incidentally, the name of the worst breakfast buffet in London.
I suppose we should get out of the way that the Bacon Maple Sundae looks like the thing that my dog did after she devoured that entire box of chocolate Santas that one year, but who are we kidding: Denny's has already gotten what it was looking for when it began the lengthy, probably international process of launching a dessert product that resembles dog chork: Pinheads on the Internet writing about a dessert product that resembles dog chork.
This can be the only explanation for the continued game of greasy oneupsmanship being waged by basically every company that stuck-up "Omnivore's Dilemma" buzzkill was whining about. Regular readers of this column — hut up, ninjas — will know that occasionally we like to pointlessly make fun of the latest in food-flavored objects, including the KFC Double Down Sandwich, Fast Franks, Koalas In A Waffle Cone, Cheerwine-flavored Krispy Kreme donuts, Beagle Nuggets, camel milk, Cat-Gurt and, of course, Hardees' new Some Ham In A Shoe. About half of those are made up, but I'll be damned if I can remember which ones anymore.
Listen, no one loves bacon more than me — except possibly my son, who since age 3 has been known to knock down a dozen strips in a sitting and who probably has the cholesterol numbers of a 73-year-old from Memphis.
And no one loved Denny's more than me — except possibly Bradshaw, at least until The Great Denny's Bachelor Party Incident of 2000, and yes I roll with a group of friends for whom that title isn't that weird of a thing (make your fun now, but we'll see who's laughing when you need your computers fixed). As the story goes, at the close of a lengthy bachelor party involving degrees of drunkenness usually associated with dying pirates, a Denny's in northwest Indiana delayed seating he and his party, for some reason, although if I had to guess, that reason probably had something to do with the way Bradshaw kept shouting about Motley Crue.
(Totally unrelated, but now that I think of it, Bradshaw also has a thing with Waffle House: In 2008, a Waffle House in rural Georgia was unable to accept his credit card, a transgression which has earned Waffle House the official Bradshaw Family Lifetime Ban For Life, a dark honor thus far afforded only to Fresca, Hootie and the Blowfish and the idea of keeping peanut butter in the refrigerator. My friends have an unusual amount of problems with budget chain restaurants.)
Anyway, back to how Denny's is trying to thin the herd: The Bacon Maple Sundae is only part of a full-on Pork Initiative dubbed "Baconalia," which includes such other dishes as the BBBLT Sandwich, the Triple Bacon Sampler, Pepper Bacon with Eggs and Bacon Meatloaf, all geared directly toward the average American who has a long and tangled relationship with his heart and all able to make something like the KFC Double Down Sandwich look like an organic tofu burrito wrapped in kelp and Volt brochures by comparison. Having made a promise to my son to not die before I can take him on an Airbus A380 (long story), I will be passing on "Baconalia" this time out, but if you've taken a swing at the sundae, do let me know about it via the contact below. Just make sure to order before you start shouting about Motley Crue.
Jeff Vrabel is the one they call Dr. Feelgood. He can be reached at http://jeffvrabel.com or http://twitter.com/jeffvrabel.