WE’RE AT WAR: And for the first time ever, I’m in the fray.

New York Senator Chuck Schumer, who will soon be leading the Democratic minority in the U.S. Senate, warned last week that those wily, greedy, icky, mean old Republicans are launching “a War on Seniors,” but the Democrats will stand by us every bloody inch of the way.

Wait a minute, though. Does this mean that the “War on Women,” also launched some years back by those wily, greedy, icky, mean old Republicans, is over? And if so, who won the War on Women?

If I had to put $10 on it, my guess would be that the women won the War on Women, and the victory happened sometime during the last election campaign, and the media was too busy to tell us about it.

My guess would be that the men went down in ignominious defeat, and our humiliating, unconditional surrender was accepted on the deck of some battleship. Somewhere.

(In my family, with a couple women with advanced degrees, earning good money in the health care biz, the notion of a War on Women always earned a derisive snort. The women in my family earned a whole lot more than, oh, say, a newsman. And they never bought into the notion of a War on Women, and certainly didn’t need Chuck Schumer and the Democratic Party to defend them.)

One can’t escape the conclusion, try as we might, that the Democrats always need a “War on Somebody or Something” to oppose the wily, greedy, icky, mean old Republicans. This is probably because of their great success and total victory, under Lyndon Johnson and subsequent presidents, in the War on Poverty. That sure was a glorious victory, wasn’t it? Seen any poor people lately?

A real “War on Coal” has been waged for the last eight years by Schumer’s party, and while they had coal on the mat in recent years, the last election suggests that coal could be back.

So now, it’s a War on Seniors, and oldsters like myself are told that the Republicans want to take us to the cleaners, reduce our benefits, and turn us over and shake the spare coins out of the pockets of our RV coveralls.

While I’m gratified to finally have achieved victimhood — a precious commodity in victim-happy America — I don’t believe a word Chuck Schumer says anymore (even though I’ve read that he scored a perfect 1,500 on his SAT exam).

This geezer won’t be heading to the front any time soon.

Wars on Women, Coal, Poverty and now Seniors, are, as the kids say, “weak sauce, Dude,” and you’d think a smart guy like Chuck Schumer could come up with something better.

NOWHERESVILLLE: Last Monday morning (Dec. 5), on the National Public Radio show Morning Edition, they had a report on Donald Trump’s effort to save about 800, or maybe 1,000, jobs at a Carrier air conditioning company plant in Indiana.

This was apparently part of their continuing series on wacky and dangerous things Trump has done and plans to do, and why, as American voters, many of us are clueless dopes for voting for him.

So anyway, there was a moment of painful clarity when Salina Zito, national political reporter for CNN, said Carrier employees were grateful, and that they were surprised that Trump came to visit them in — Zito’s words here — “the middle of nowhere.”

Let me repeat that: “the middle of nowhere.”

An NPR moderator, who said he was from Indiana, jumped in to challenge the “middle of nowhere” slam, and Zito scrambled, saying the plant, not far from Indianapolis, is nevertheless not in the bright spotlights of “Washington” or “New York.”

I looked up Zito’s biography, and discovered that she worked for a lot of Republicans — including George H.W. Bush, Rick Santorum, George W. Bush, and the turncoat Republican Arlen Specter — before landing at CNN.

So, even some media elites with conservative backgrounds see the area around Indianapolis — which was a pretty nice city, last time I was there — as “the middle of nowhere.”

Sorry, there’s no taking it back.

That’s what they think of us.

Dave Simpson can be contacted at davesimpson145@hotmail.com